No Place for Me
by Lapiz Lazuli Luna
Summary: What if Eponine had gone back to the Valjean household that night before the Revolution?


_Revised 11/21/12_

He swore that he would make me scream. I swore I wouldn't let him.

Until he grabbed me roughly by the shoulders, wrenched me off the floor and slammed me against the wall. He dashed me into the bricks over and over and over again until I thought my neck would snap in half. Then his hands flew off of my shoulders and turned into fists, the hard knuckles smashing into my face from the right, then the left, then the right, then the left again. Blood began to fill my mouth and it wasn't long before the screams he wanted were ripped out from my throat.

And then my father threw me to the floor. I caught myself with aching, trembling arms. But before I could pick myself up again his boot slammed straight into my stomach. I gasped for breath from the explosion of pain, but my father continued to kick me mercilessly as I whimpered, sobbed, begged him to stop. And then he reached down and grabbed me by the hair and threw me, face-first, into the wall again.

The abuse continued for God knows how long. It all just became an endless blur of pain. The blows came at me from all sides, striking my face, my back, my arms, my stomach. Over my own cries, I heard my father screaming drunken obscenities – calling me a slut, a whore, a rat, a worthless piece of filth.

And then, finally, he picked me up and threw me against the table. I tumbled down onto the floor, too weak to catch myself a second time.

"That's what you get, you little wench." And then he grabbed me up by the hair again as if to tear my scalp apart. I cried out hoarsely as he yanked me to my feet, pain shooting through my legs as I struggled to stand.

"You're gonna be spending the night out on the streets. And if you screw up another job like that again, so help me, I'll make sure you stay out on the streets for good. And then you can go and sell your body to any lowlife scum drunk enough to take you, or you could just rot in the alleyway for all I care.

"And don't think I'm through with you just yet, girl. You're gonna need a whole lot more _disciplining _than this before I've decided you've learned your lesson. Now out with you!"

With that, he dragged across the room and flung me out into the cold night air. I cried out as my body slapped down onto the cobblestones and the door slammed shut behind me.

XXXXXXXX

"_In the rain … the pavement shines like silver … all the lights … are misty in the river …_"

I sang quietly to myself as I limped my way through the empty streets. Everything hurt. Everything felt broken. I could feel the bruises forming across every inch of my body, and I tasted the blood streaming down from my nose and over my lips.

But my mind reeled away from the pain. Instead, I let my eyes roam about, taking in the glow of the streetlights, the stars peeking out through the branches of the trees and the towering walls of the city. And in the silence I could free my mind to sink into a whirlpool of prettier imaginings.

"Marius …"

I whispered his name into the air and his face materialized before me like a misty vision. In an instant, I was flooded with a warmth that flowed from my chest down to the tips of my fingers and toes. I closed my eyes and felt his strong arms wrap around my shoulders. I felt the clean velvet of his suit press against my bare skin and inhaled the scent of cologne and old library books. His lips were next to my ear and he was singing to me – that he loved me, that he treasured me and that I would always be his darling.

And then he was wiping the blood away from my lips, whispering words of strength and comfort. He was assuring me that I would always be beautiful to him no matter how badly my father beat me. And then he was kissing the cut on my cheek. He was kissing that throbbing place on my temple. He was kissing away every bruise marked upon my body until they disappeared beneath the sacred touch of his lips.

And then he was gazing into my eyes, his own eyes overflowing which such true, tender love for me that my heart nearly burst within my chest. And then he leaned forward to gently claim my mouth with his own … but first he paused to whisper three words into the space between our lips.

"_Je t'aime, Eponine_."

And then our lips met.

A cold wind suddenly washed over my face, sweeping me out of the safe sanctuary of my mind and back into the dark, lonely world where Marius wasn't. I blinked my eyes awake, feeling the warmth of his presence drift away like a fog upon the wind.

I gasped, trembling there alone in the streets, fighting against the urge to break down in sobs. He was gone. Marius … was gone.

And I was on my own again.

To my astonishment, I found myself standing in one of those fancy bourgeois neighborhoods, staring through one of the gates into a great white mansion. That house … it looked so familiar. Like something out of a dream, or a distant memory.

I inched closer toward the gates of this strangely familiar manor. How in the world did I end up here? My eyes traced the intricate black coils and lines of the fence, the green vines curling up and about the bricks of the walls.

I could scarcely breathe as recognition suddenly slammed into me like a blow to the gut.

_Mon Dieu … this is_Cosette's_house. My feet have carried me back here … to Cosette's house!_

The flash of memories ripped through my vision before I could even try stop them.

Marius' face flushed red with love as this house – _her_ house – finally came into our view. Marius climbing and leaping over the gate with his bright eyes shining in anticipation. Marius' voice lifting up into the night, filling the air with words of undying adoration.

For her. For Cosette. For that perfect little Cinderella I'd tormented as a child. And now fate in all its cruelty had handed her over the one thing in the world I had ever truly wanted.

I gritted my teeth and dragged my twisted ankle forward, back towards the direction of the street. I couldn't bear to stand there any longer. The memories surrounding that house were far too agonizing, too _fresh_. But I had barely taken two steps before something flashed out of the corner of my eye … a tiny object caught in the light of the streetlamp, lying just behind the iron gate.

I turned, slightly cursing myself for giving in to curiosity. I inched forward, step by step, and peered in through the bars. It - whatever it was - lay discarded on the ground, just out of arm's reach. A sparkle of gold against the dark soil. It looked like some fancy lapel pin. A little golden eagle about to take flight.

_Oh!_

I gasped aloud as the realization hit me. That is one of Marius' pins! Yes ... I remember now. He had been wearing it on his jacket. He must have dropped it earlier when he … when he …

I swallowed back the bile rising up in my throat and refocused my attentions on that pin lying behind the gate. _I have to get that back. I have to go and get that pin back for Marius._

I reached up as high as I could and grasped at the bars, but that action alone made me whimper in pain. Every nerve in my battered body screamed that it couldn't take the strain of climbing, but I shook it off and grit my teeth in resolution. 'Ponine doesn't back down easy. 'Ponine never let a little pain drag her down. I hooked my foot onto one of the lower coils and stretched my arm up to take a hold of the highest bar I could reach. Then I bit my lip as I struggled to pull myself up …

And then pain shot through my arms like lightning and I fell with a cry back onto the street.

_Ah … oh mon Dieu, that hurts!_ I clutched at my arm and felt the tears stinging behind my eyes. It felt as though my whole elbow on fire. I cursed bitterly and kicked at the gate in frustration.

I fought not to cry. I hated this. I hated feeling so weak. I hated …

"Who's there?"

It was a girl's voice. A lovely soprano voice as sweet and bright as a drop of dew in the sunlight. I heard delicate footsteps race across the grounds like a quickening pulse.

"Marius? Oh, Marius, is that you?"

_It's her_.

I nearly fell over my own feet as I stumbled backwards, away from that gate, away from the glare of the street lamp and into the shadows. But I couldn't move fast enough, because _her_ face suddenly appeared in the gateway, all flushed and aglow and angelic in the lamplight.

Suddenly my feet refused to move, and my chest was filed with such intolerable loathing that I wanted to vomit right there in the street. I hated nothing else in the world more than that girl with the golden hair and the bright blue eyes staring out at me from behind the gate.

"Oh …" I heard her whisper as disappointment fell over her countenance. "Oh, you … you're not Marius."

My tongue stuck bitterly to the back of my teeth. Part of me wanted to go and punch that girl in her pretty powdered face for looking so distraught.

What right does she have to be heartbroken over him? Mon Dieu, she only just met him this morning! I was about to turn and walk away when I heard her voice call to me again.

"Wait." The girl's eyes widened, as if she was just seeing me for the first time. "Wait, you … you are Marius' friend, aren't you? You're the one who helped bring him to me. It's … 'Ponine, right?"

_It's 'Ponine_. My loathing suddenly gave way to fear. Did she remember me? Did she know who I was?

I refused to meet her gaze. I spoke only loud enough so that she could hear.

"Forgive me, Mademoiselle. I only came to fetch that pin back for Mousier Marius." I pointed. "It's lying there on the ground behind the gate."

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched her pretty head spin around in the direction I was pointing to.

"His pin … his pin … oh!"

There's a rustle of skirts as she briefly disappeared from view. She remerged from the darkness just moments later, clutching the pin in her delicate fingers. The eagle glinted beneath the lamplight as she stretched her arm out through the bars.

"Here, 'Ponine," she whispered. "I've got it. Please, do take it back to him for me."

I couldn't move. It felt as if my body had turned to ice. Mind-numbing fear pinned me in place. I was terrified. Sickeningly terrified of those doe-like eyes that gazed out expectantly beneath the lamp's all-revealing glow. I was safe there in the shadows where she couldn't see me clearly. I didn't … I couldn't let her see me. Not like this.

"'Ponine?"

I blinked and shook my head free of its cloud. _Oh, this is stupid. I'll just grab that pin and get out of here._I marched forward quickly and deliberately, my eyes trained on my target. _Just grab the pin and run. Just grab the pin and …_

"Oh!"

The hand withdrew. My eyes lifted to see Cosette covering her sweet little mouth, her eyes widening in horror.

"Oh, good heavens! 'Ponine!" she cried. "What in the world happened to you?" She leaned forward, her rosy face now as pale as a sheet. "Mon Dieu, are you alright?"

I felt her bright blue eyes over every inch of me. I never felt so hideous. So filthy. So _naked_. I was aware of every stinging cut, every throbbing bruise, every spot of blood clinging to my skin.

I bit back the tears and reached forward to grasp the pin she still held in her hand. "Nothing to worry about, Mademoiselle. I will take this back to Mousier Marius and I will not bother you again."

As I gently slipped the pin out from between her fingers, her hand suddenly grasped me by the wrist and held me like a manacle. I nearly cried out in surprise; before I could stop myself, my eyes shot up so that I was staring straight into her deep pools of blue.

Her eyes stared back at me raptly. Intensely. I could see my own bruised, bloody face clearly reflected in her irises.

"It's you." I heard her whisper breathlessly. "It's you, isn't it? Eponine Thernardier."

_She knew_.

I tugged at my arm, but still the girl refused to let go. Her eyes were searching me. _Studying_ me was more like it. As if I was some sad story in a book she was reading. I searched her face for any sign of reproach. Or anger. Or disgust. But there was none. Her eyes were soft and sad. Her gaze was almost childlike.

"It _is_ you," she breathed. "I thought it was. You … you're family. They _took care_ of me when I was a child …"

I choked on a bitter laugh. _Take care of you. Ha! That's one pretty way of putting it._

"Oh, 'Ponine…" I watched in horror as Cosette lifted another hand towards my face … reaching as if to stroke my cheek with her fingers …

I yanked my arm free and recoiled into the shadows. I spun away from the sight of hurt in her eyes and turned to march back from whence I came.

"Wait. 'Ponine, wait!"

I stopped. Oh, mon Dieu, why did I stop? The desperation in her voice rang out so clearly that it pinned my feet to the earth.

"'Ponine …"

I froze. I waited. I refused to turn around and face her.

"'Ponine …" I heard her continue. "Before Marius left, he … he told me about this revolution he was fighting in. He said that he and his friends would be building a barricade in the streets tomorrow and … and taking up arms against the French Army!"

I heard the gates rattle as she suddenly grasped the bars so tightly her dainty little knuckles must have blanched white.

"Is it true? Please, tell me, is it true, 'Ponine? Is Marius going into some sort of battle tomorrow?"

I swallowed hard, thinking back to earlier that night. Marius, marching proudly like a soldier through the streets with that red flag waving about behind him. Marius and his fellow schoolmates singing out into the night. Singing of revolution. Of blood. Of war.

I clenched my eyes shut, fighting to block the onslaught of horrible imaginings. Marius cowering behind the barricades as the shots ring out around him. Marius marching forward as a line of French soldiers aim their guns straight at his heart. Marius being shot. Marius falling. Marius bleeding. Marius …

_No._

My hands turned to fists. " … yes. Yes, it is true, Mademoiselle."

The silence fell over us like a sudden chill.

And then a gasping, broken sob rang out through the air behind me, and I swung about to see Cosette falling to her knees, shaking uncontrollably with her face buried in her hands.

"No … oh no, no dear Marius, no!" she cried. "He can't. He can't go. Oh, mon Dieu, no! I couldn't bear it if … if …"

She gasped aloud and stood to her feet, her lovely face reddened and streaked with tears. She paced back and forth across the entryway like a caged animal, her hands clasped over her heart as if in pain.

"Heaven help me, I've only known him for a day, but that's not what I feel at all. Oh, 'Ponine, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I could bear to live without him! When I first saw him in the square this morning, it was as if my whole world had suddenly turned bright and beautiful for the first time. It was as if there had been a cloud hanging over me my entire life, and I never realized it until he stepped in and drove all those clouds away.

"And then when he was gone, I nearly drove myself mad thinking of him, wondering where he was, wondering if it was all a dream. It was as if my lungs couldn't breathe again, my heart couldn't beat blood through my body until I saw his face once more.

"And then when he left … it was as if the world had turned cold and dark, as if he had taken all the light in my world with him. And to be apart from him, it's as if there's this great steel hook in my chest, and it's pulling at me as if to tear my heart straight out of my body. My heart is bleeding now, 'Ponine. Because the greatest part of it has been ripped away, and there's this gaping hole in me that cannot be mended.

"Oh, good heavens, 'Ponine. I must sound like a lunatic. Am I making any sense at all? Do you even understand what I am saying?"

I was clutching the pin so hard I could feel it cutting into the flesh of my hand. "Yes …" I croaked out. "Yes, I understand."

I turned my face away to allow that one, single tear to make its burning trail down my cheek unseen. I knew that if I had nothing to grasp at I would have crumbled into nothing, right there in the street.

I heard Cosette sigh heavily … such a despairing sound. "In any case, he's lost to me. Papa says we must leave the country and he won't say why!"

_What?_ My head jerked up in surprise. _Cosette is leaving? Leaving France? Leaving …_ _Marius?_

Cosette leaned weakly against the bars, her pretty face twisted in anguish. "And by then, my beloved may already be dead! Oh, Mon Dieu, I couldn't possibly live if Marius dies!"

"_He won't die_!"

Something inside me snapped in that moment and I lunged forward and shook the bars with all my strength. I heard Cosette gasp and watched her blue eyes widen in shock as I snarled at her through the gate.

"He won't die, _do you hear me_? Marius is not going to die! I don't know what's going to happen with this stupid revolution, all I know is that Marius is going to come out alive. He won't die. He won't. I won't … I won't let him …"

"'Ponine …" Cosette gasped. "Will you protect him for me?"

_Protect_ ... The breath was knocked from my lungs. I almost thought my heart had stopped beating in my chest.

I watched, numbly, as Cosette let out a squeak and clapped a hand over her mouth, her eyes as wide as saucers. "Oh no … oh, good heavens, what am I saying! No, no, I could never ask that of you, 'Ponine, I don't know what's come over me. I meant to say that you must _stop him for me_."

She backed away, nodding fervently, beseechingly. "You have to try to reason with him, 'Ponine. You have to try to tell him he can't just throw his life away like this! But I could never, ever, _ever_ ask you to go into battle with him, no! That would be unimaginable!"

Another sparkling tear fell from her eyes. "I … I don't believe it will work," she whimpered. "Marius seemed so _determined_ when he told me about it, as if nothing in the world could stop him. And if he has to go and fight tomorrow … oh, Mon Dieu, what am I going to do if he …"

"I will protect him."

Her head shot up. Confusion, then disbelief, flickered across Cosette's face.

I stared at her in silence. My voice had not even sounded like myself. It sounded hollow to my own ears.

"What …" She leaned forward until her face was mere inches from mine. "'Ponine, what … what did you say?"

"I will protect Marius. Tomorrow. At the barricades. I will go with him and … I will protect him."

She stared at me without speaking, her face a perfect mask of shock. And then she leapt forward and I felt her soft lips pressing against my fingers.

"Oh, 'Ponine!" she cried. "Oh, 'Ponine, I …"

I jerked my hand away as if I'd been burnt. She recoiled, stung, her eyes shining with tears. I didn't know who I hated more in that moment – this girl, or myself.

I shook my head bitterly and backed away into the darkness, angry tears pouring down my face. I spat my last words out from between my teeth.

"I'm not doing this for _you_."

I turned and marched off towards the horizon. I heard Cosette call out something behind me. Was it "thank you"? Or "goodbye"? Or maybe it was "sorry."

Well, whatever it was, she could keep it. I refused to answer. I refused to look back.

_Marius … I'm coming …_


End file.
